October last year I was feeling really lonely so I did what any lonely girl does.
I texted my ex boyfriend.
We hadn’t seen each other or even spoke to one another since the start of January.
We have been on and off for eight years and I do think he is my soul mate.
We just always go in and out of each others lives.
To my surprise he replied and invited me over to his.
We talked about our future and our past.
I opened up about missing him and he opened up about missing me.
One thing lead to another and we ended hooking up.
But something wasn’t right.
I started crying and having an out of body experience as soon as we ended up in his room.
I've never had this happen before.
And it just got worse and worse.
He straight away stopped and asked what was wrong and I truely didn’t know.
My anxiety started going through the roof and I just felt numb.
He calmed me down, we cuddled and fell to sleep.
When I woke in the morning I was still feeling numb and shook.
He tried to contact me a few days later but I told him to leave me alone.
I didn’t know what was happening to me and I couldn’t talk to him as I was so embarrassed.
I wanted to figure out why I reacted the way I did.
I didn’t want it to happen again.
I was counting down the days until I could see my psychologist!
As soon as I sat down in my appointment with her, I told her about what happened and how I reacted.
Begging for answers of why this happened.
She got me to calm down then to try to go into my body and think of a time when I felt this way before.
I closed my eyes and slowly a memory came back...
One night myself and a bunch of my girlfriends headed out to club in the city.
A few hours in I started kissing the bearded guy that I met in the smokers area.
We ended up back at mine... I didn't want to sleep with him but he came along anyway.
I took half an endone to help me fall asleep from my crazy night.
I fell straight asleep with the bearded guy next to me.
When I started to wake up I felt my body was in pain and moving.
I slowly opened my eyes.
He was on top of me, inside me and holding me down.
I was still out of it from the endone so I didn't have much strength to push away.
He was holding down so strong that I didn’t have the power to stop him.
He was hurting me and wouldn’t stop!
The only thing I could do was cry, close my eyes and numb myself.
I tried to go to another place in my mind until he finished.
After he finished and climb off me.
He got straight up and left.
I just laid there numb.
I just laid there for hours numb shocked confused.
When I had the strength to get up, I walked down stairs to where my house mates were on the couch.
I told them what happened.
But they didn’t say anything, they just laughed and brushed it off.
So thats what I did.... brushed it off and forgot.
I opened my eyes and my psych asked me what came to my mind.
I explained my story but I kept telling her that was my fault!
I was the one who kissed him back at the club.
I was the one who brought him home even though I didn't want to sleep with him.
I was the one who took the endone and put myself to sleep.
It was my fault that happened.
Tears started to run down my face.
She explained to me it didn’t matter that I took him home.
I didn’t give permission or say yes.
I was unconscious.
After coming to the realisation of what happened.
It took me a long time to process and heal from it.
Seven months on I have shared my story to others and to my surprise I’m not the only one this has happened too.
Also I’m not the only one to think it was their fault or that didn’t know that I had been sexually assaulted.
I always imagine rape being someone coming up behind you in a dark alley really late at night.
I never thought it could happen in my own bed.
Ive had to relearn how to embrace my sexuality and to forgive myself.
As I was so angry at myself for so long that I was stupid enough to let that happen.
I'm so blessed to have grown from this and be who I am today.
My body is my temple, I cherish it and respect it.
I wanted to share my story to let others know this could of happened to anyone... I never thought it would happen to me.
Thank you for reading
Peace and Love