Losing you

I remember the very first time I met her. Our friendship began and blossomed quickly, lasting through thick and thin.

She became the best friend I never had and an additional member to my family.
We experienced the world inside and outside of high school. We had goals and dreams of what we wanted our lives to be. We were in this life together. Bonding and arguing like sisters, we shared a friendship so pure and rare to find.

Unfortunately, I lost my beautiful best friend to suicide in April of this year.

I can't put into words the pain that shot through me when I found out the horrific news. My world stopped, life became a blur and nothing seemed to make sense anymore.

Everywhere I looked was memories of her.

She struggled with depression and anxiety the whole time I had known her. In and out of hospital, on and off medication. Regardless, she was the strongest person I knew, the most loving and the most generous of all. She would go completely out of her way to ensure myself and others around her were smiling. She protected me, cared for me and loved me with so much force, so effortlessly.

Losing her is the hardest thing I've ever experienced.

For weeks I refused to face reality, consuming large amounts of alcohol all day long. I chose to isolate myself from people who didn't know her personally, and only speaking and seeing people who did. I lost my job as I refused to work week after week.
I felt an overwhelming feeling of emptiness and I didn't know what to do.

The grieving processes is a continuum which holds very rocky ups and downs. It took months for me to accept the fact that she really is gone, and still to this day it's very hard to accept.

I hold her close to my heart every day, and take her with me on my journey of life.

When times get tough, I do things that would make her proud or make her smile. These things are as little as making her favourite meal, putting on a whale documentary and folding my clothes instead of stuffing them in my draws. During these times, I pray her soul is with mine. I don't doubt she would be watching over me with a smile.

I love and miss her so much more than any words could describe. Some days are much harder than others, but all that I do, is now for her.

I hope my story reminds you to never take those special people in your world for granted, to always absorb each moment, to love, be loved and be loud about it! This life is precious, we're blessed we get the chance to experience it.

R.I.P my love, Sage Eva Maine <3